When you are concerned about a behavior, it is important to use a method of communication that attacks the behavior in question and not the dignity or self worth of the other.  Parents can share their concerns positively as well as work towards a solution using this simple six-step process.  Here is an overview of that process.

 

Begin with “I Care”…

Let the child know that he or she is important to you.

“Kris, I really care about you…

 

Step Two “I See”…

Here is where you state the behavior in question.  Remember to focus on the behavior. What tipped you off that something was wrong?  What did you see or hear that caused you to be concerned?

“I see you have forgotten to do (state the behavior in question).”

 

Step Three “I Feel”…

Give the other the benefit of knowing how you feel about the behavior.  Feelings can be expressed simply in one word such as… I feel angry.  I feel worried.

“I am very disappointed and angry.”

 

Step Four “Listen”

Listen to what the person has to say.  Ask questions for clarification. Pay attention and resist other distractions. Use good eye contact.

 

Step Five “I Want”

Once you have heard his or her perspective, let the person know what you’d like to have happen. What family rules or standards do you want followed? Do you want to talk with anyone else about what happened?

“I want you to follow our rules.”

 

Step Six “I Will”

Here is where you tell the person what the consequences will be or the plan you intend to follow to determine the consequences.

“I will meet with you early tomorrow morning, and that is when we will discuss what changes need to be made.”