The most visible signs of emerging adulthood typically are physical; growth spurt, body shape changes, additional body hair. Don’t be fooled that the ‘external’ body is the only thing that is developing. Internal organs are also changing. In particular, the brain is also undergoing acute differentiation. Simplistically, the brain is experiencing a ‘rewiring’ that has to occur so that your child will not only look like an adult but also think like and adult.

With the changes in the brain, parents will become aware that the personal, social, intellectual, moral and spiritual components of the child will also mature. (Again, there is no ‘normal’ progression – God intends this process to be unique in each child.) Parents will notice the child will want more independence, have more passionate opinions, desire more attention from members of the opposite gender, be more emotional and spend more time pondering life.

Be not afraid of this age span! Engage in the process – hang in there for the long haul – commit to being there both now and forever. Embrace both the challenges and the blessings that are in your future. Your rewards will be great in heaven.

FORMING A COMMUNITY OF PERSONS

Even though your child wants more independence during these years, it is your obligation to keep him firmly rooted in the norms and expectations of the family. This is the first task that you have as a parent. In order to ensure that neither you nor your child bails out of the family during this time we offer the following guidelines.

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Set Principled Expectations

No one said that parenting would be easy. But, your attitude towards this stage of childhood may make all the difference in how handle it. The culture today is trying to convince you that your child is now a ‘tween’ – a cute title meaning she is between childhood and the teenage years. The concept of ‘tweening’ is troublesome. Those who buy into the notion think that children in this age should have the rights of someone older and the responsibilities of someone younger. As an example, a ‘tween’ girl should be allowed to wear makeup, dress like an 18 year old and text message friends at the same time that she is exempt from taking care of her material goods or acting responsibly when texting. Parents are urged to follow principled expectations for themselves and their children. These would include :

1. Keep the end in mind during these years; you are not raising a child (or a tween) but an adult.
2. Expect to be consistent in your behavior even when your child’s behavior will be inconsistent.
3. Commit to “love the sinner, detest the sin.” (In parenting that means love your child and correct the behavior).
4. Recognize, support and affirm your child’s God-given dignity. No matter what happens, your child still has worth and goodness.
5. Be your child’s parent – not your child’s peer.

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Establish Yourself as the “Go To” Person

We’ve mentioned that a child’s brain is about to undergo major changes. Just before this occurs, the child will want to listen to your advice and take it to heart. However, while the brain is actively being remodeled, they will want to shun your counsel and handle situations without your input. Thus, jump on this timely opportunity and establish yourself as a credible resource as soon as you can! Here’s how you can do so.

• Plan time with your child. Play with them. Invite them to help you with your work.
• Establish a special ritual with your child. This might be a special sign of affection that only you share or a coded phrase that means something meaningful (think of Tim the Toolman’s phrase of “how “bout those Bears?” which really meant “I love you”.)
• Share a hobby together. Whether it is fishing or bargain shopping – find something you both enjoy and then do it.
• Be a listener. If you want your child to talk later when the topic matter will be more difficult, you have to show her that you can listen now. Your child will know that you can listen if you can repeat her message back to her.
• Bless each other – pray together. This is the ultimate glue of your relationship. Take the time to put God in your relationship. (Remember, a three ply cord is not easily broken).
• Choose a saint for each other. Pick a saint who lived a life that both of you want to emulate. Ask that saint for intercessory assistance.

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Preserve Family Time

As the children grow and spread their wings, your time to be family may suffer. Do whatever it takes to eat meals together, hold family meetings, enjoy family fun nights and preserve family rituals. Begin by

• Restating your expectations with your children
• Explaining the importance of family time
• Making it clear that, if a conflict arises, you are open for discussion
• Doing your best to make family time very meaningful and fun for all (it will be harder for your child to miss a family gathering if she thinks she will miss something important!)

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Keep Your Marriage Healthy

The need for time away as a couple becomes more important as the kids grow older. The good news is that you might be able to squeeze out longer periods of time now than in the earlier parenting years. The most important things to remember about your couple time commitment are

• Focus on the two of you – resist making this a time to hash out family conflicts and situations. Focus on your love and your relationship
• Laugh together – the stresses of parenting are minimized by a good chuckle
• Re-engage in a sport, hobby or activity that you did before you had children
• Celebrate your anniversaries (first date, engagement, wedding day, when you purchased your first flat or home, etc.)
• Practice the rituals of your love (special walks, special hugs, visiting special places, special conversations…)

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SERVING LIFE

Parents who have been honoring God’s plan for love and life and responsible parenthood up to this point will find the task of serving life in the pre-teen years much easier. Because they have lived marital chastity during the early family years, they will have a firm foundation of knowledge and wisdom in the matters of love, life and sexuality. Their participation in the deep mystery of God’s plan for human bonding and its fruitfulness will guide them as they gradually unfold information about sexuality and marital love to their children.

It is the parent’s duty to help their children know the mysteries of human life. No one can deliver the information with as much impact as the parent – no one. Children will remember what the parent has to say more than they will heed any other person’s ideas. This is critical to understand – whatever you say about sexuality and marital love will leave a lasting mark on your child. Whether it is the richness of the truth or some cheap counterfeit notion of love what you say will leave a lasting impression. We implore you to do you homework on this topic and search for what is truthful and beautiful. Settle for nothing less than the best!

The Office of Family Life for the Diocese of La Crosse has developed a three presentation series on parenting, human sexuality and chastity called Teaching the Way of Love. Attending these presentations is a wonderful way to learn more about the Catholic Church Teachings on love and life and prepare yourself to share this intimate information with your children. Here is a brief description of each presentation.

Embrace Parenthood Time: 2 hours

This is the first and most important program for any parish to schedule. This parent-only presentation covers these essential areas:

• An overview of the Catholic Church’s teaching on family life
• Stages of childhood and youth development and what to expect in each
• Parenting skills to utilize in each stage that result in disciplined, motivated and respectful children
• Communication Basics: How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk.
• Growth and development information to discuss with children as they move through childhood into puberty.

Resource packets are provided. Anatomical and physiological information is included.

Growing in Love – Fertility Appreciation Time: 1 and ¾ hours

These presentations are to be scheduled second. The evening’s presentation is designed to respect the role of parents as primary educators of their children as well as the role of the school as support to the parents. Parents with their child will walk through the basic information on chastity and puberty.

Resource packets are provided for the families. It is strongly recommended that the parents attend the Embrace Parenthood presentation prior to attending this session.

The evening’s presentation has two sessions. The first, which is done as a large group, will focus on the development of the virtues and maturation as a total person. The second hour will include basic anatomy and physiology of the human reproductive system. During the second session, the boys and girls along with their parents will be separated into gender specific groups. Parent/child workbook packets will be distributed so parents can continue their discussion with their children after the evening’s presentation.

Because readiness to hear this information is developmental, parents have to decide when their child is ready to hear this information. In general, most parents bring their child to this presentation during either 5th or 6th grade but some families recognize a need for this information as early as 4th grade or as late as 7th.

Bodies and Boundaries Time: 2 hours

This presentation is designed to motivate open and honest communication between parents and their children. Families with 8th grade or high school aged youth are invited to attend. Participants will receive printed resources and handouts.

Essential discussion areas (friendships, dating, standards and rules, proper use of the media and planning for the future) will be highlighted and discussed. Key facts and information on each topic area will be shared followed by facilitated discussion session between the parents and the youth.

(If you have any questions about these presentations or are interested in scheduling these programs, please click here to send an email to Alice Heinzen.)

Meanwhile, there are many guiding principles that will assist you in sharing the beauty of God’s plan for love and life. Let’s look at several.

• Individualize Your Instruction. Each child is unique and unrepeatable. No one knows and understands that more than you as the parent. Therefore, personalize your dialogue about love and life. While it is true that the parent of the same sex is best suited to deliver this information, either parent can speak the truth. However, if the information is shared with a child of the opposite sex, more sensitivity will be needed.
• Include the Moral Dimension. Sexuality involves so much more than just the physical part of the person. Therefore, when the time is right for these discussions, make chastity a key part of the teaching. (Jeff, we will link this to a document on chastity.) Add information about the sexual discipline, moderation and modesty. Work towards warming your child’s heart to God’s loving plan rather than scaring them into right action.
• Be timely. Each child matures at a different time. Thus, be very attentive about when to begin your conversations about sexuality, love and life. In most cases, the child will give you clear indication that they are thinking about these matters. Some will ask questions. Many will experience physical signs that alert you to begin. And still others will become quiet and introspective. You will need to be attentive, available and approachable.
• One Step at a Time. Sharing information about sexuality, love and life will take several conversations over several years. Be gradual. In most situations it works well to begin with discussions about the physical body and how it is changing. Ensure that your child understands how his body will change from a child’s form to that of an adult. Patiently explain the need for increased hygiene and monitor him as he works to be consistent in the correct care of his growing body. The next step is to explain that God gives the gift of fertility to adults. This means that with the growth and development process, your child will experience signs of fertility (menstrual cycling in girls and nocturnal emissions in boys). Speak of fertility as normal and as a gift to be respected and cherished. Finally, share how God created man and woman to marry and create new life through the conjugal act. Affirm that sexual love is a right and good of marriage – not a recreational activity for any physically mature person.
• Continue the Discussion. All of the steps above just set the stage for your child. He will continue to need your guidance and wisdom through the remainder of his young adult years and even as he finds and lives his vocation. It is a myth to think that your job of serving life is ever complete. So, embrace this role and enjoy the journey.

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Participating in the Development of Society

When your children were younger, developing society as a family was directed by the parents. You determined where and how your family would serve others. The impetus for action originated from your passions more than from the hearts of your children. Well, this is about to change. As your children reach this stage, they are going to have their own ideas about how to serve others through volunteerism and social justice. This is not to say that you are going to become a rubber stamp for whatever they want to do. Rather, it means that more discussion and guidance (and perhaps a greater firmness in your discipline) will be needed to steer your child towards socially just behaviors. Consider the following

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Monitor the Media

It would be so nice if media outlets were more trustworthy. Reality is, there is a greater need now than ever before to know what is going in the home front with the media. Jay Dunlap, author of Raising Kids in the Media Age, suggests that each parent do the following

• Set Limits –Dunlap is not suggesting ridding your home of all media but rather limiting access as well as the time your child can be using a media form. Whether this is the TV or the internet or the MP3 or the cell phone – set limits.
• Provide other outlets for communication – Your child want to communicate. If you limit their time and access to electronic communications, then you need to find other ways to let them relate. (think family dinners, more friends at your house, bedtime conversations…)
• Become a Media Critique – At some point, your child who is outside your realm of discipline and control, will have to make a decision about media all on her own (ex. She is at a friends house and the R rated movie is about to begin). If you want her to make the right decision, then you have to teach her how to evaluate what she is exposed to. While in your home, hold discussions about what is shown in the media. Listen to what she says and add your wisdom. In other words, use media as a teachable moment.

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Dare to Discipline

Yes, this is a title from the best seller by Dr. James Dobson. He hit the nail on the head with this phrase. As parents, we have to be willing to set things right in our homes first if we ever want to fix the social ills of society. How true! Let’s look at ways to set and keep our homes places of right actions.

• Know What Matters – You don’t stand a chance to set your home in order unless you are firmly committed to what is right and good. That means it is important for you to;
  • Continue to study and discern what is right
  • Discuss it with your spouse
  • Commit to a principled in your lifestyle – (that means living as Christ lives)
• Live What Matters – A favorite quote from Mario Cuomo is “I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught me by example in one week. What Mr. Cuomo means is
  • If you want your child moderate her actions, moderate your own
  • If you want your child to be kind, show kindness in your life
  • If you want your child to value others, do so yourself
• Set standards that match what matters – reinforce what you want to see more of.
• Use family discussions to decide what standards are the cornerstones of your family life
• Retain the authority to set the final rules (at this age your child may have amazing integrity but their judgment is still lacking)
• Match the standards to enforceable consequences
• Ask for Outside Help – There may be times when professional help is needed to assist in the discipline of the family. If you need it, seek it.

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Network with Families

One of the best ways to impact society is to build alliances with other families whose children are in this age group. There are several ways to do this:

• Become involved in your school association.
• When your children’s friends come to visit, invite the parents to come in and socialize as well.
• Start a monthly book club or another active group with parents
• Gather email addresses of your children’s friends parents (you never know when these will come in handy)

Remember, other families are just as busy as you are. Do not become discouraged if parents are slow to form alliances. Continue to offer and attempt to work with them. All good things take time.

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Participating in the Life and Mission of the Church

Children at this age are masters at memorization. They are also at an age of great intellectual curiosity. The parent’s task is to engage that curiosity and capitalize on their increased learning capacity to lead them to a better understanding of the faith. One mistake that parents often make at this stage is to assume that their children will receive all religious education in the classroom, either in a Catholic school or in a religious education program. Children at every stage in life look to their families for attitudes toward the faith. If parents leave faith formation and education exclusively up to religious education teachers, children will learn that faith is separate from everyday life. Religious education programs and Catholic schools are only meant to supplement the faith formation that happens in the home. Here’s what you can do.

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Promote Curiosity and Learning about the Faith

• Know what aspects of the faith interest each child the most and encourage investigation into these areas – even encourage your child to become an expert on this aspect of the faith and to teach other family members. Your child may show special interest in:
  • a particular saint
  • Marian devotion
  • Eucharistic adoration or a specific devotion
  • the priesthood
  • the Beatitudes or a certain aspect of Christ’s teaching
  • a particular Biblical story
  • some aspect of Church teaching that he or she finds interesting or difficult to understand
• Know what is taught in religious education classes and model genuine interest in the material.
• Help your children study their religious education and use it as an opportunity to brush up on your own faith knowledge
• Promote memorization of concepts of the faith that promote practice of the faith
  • Encourage memorization of prayers and Mass parts
  • Encourage your children to learn about the lives of the saints
  • Use short sayings and lists that your children can memorize to teach about the basics of faith such as the creed, the twelve apostles, etc.
• Be sure to make learning fun – using games and finding out which parts of the faith engage each child’s interest.

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Help Your Children Prepare for and Celebrate the Sacraments

• Actively help your children with sacramental preparation homework
• Tell your children why each sacrament is important to you
• Bring your children to the sacraments with you (not inside the confessional, of course, but they can pray in the pews while you go inside)
• Walk your children through the order of the sacrament so they are completely comfortable with it
• Buy books for your children that explain the meaning, order and importance of the sacraments they will be participating in
• The Sacrament of Reconciliation is often done in catechism class or in Catholic School without parental involvement. Be sure to celebrate First Reconciliation with your child, either by being present or by celebrating at home!

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Encourage Your Children to Grow Toward Understanding of the Mass

Children at this age especially have a difficult time at Mass. They are mature enough not to be attracted to

• Encourage greater participation in the Mass. By this age engagement should be habitual, but children may still be tempted to coast during Mass.
• Help your child understand the Mass more deeply by talking about one part after Mass is over
• Discuss the readings, Gospel and homily as a family after Mass
• Enforce traditions surrounding the Mass such as the fast before Mass and the prayer of thanksgiving after

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Reestablish Your Love for the Eucharist

The Eucharist is the center of the Catholic life. It is the source and summit of our faith. As parents, we especially need to make sure that our love for the Eucharist is kept alive, and that our children see that love.

• Sign up for Eucharistic adoration. If you don’t have adoration in your area, spend some time in front of the tabernacle.
• Take your children to Eucharistic adoration or to pray in front of the tabernacle.
• Read Ecclesia de Eucharista and other writings about the Eucharist to help you better understand this great Mystery of our faith.
• Teach your children that the reason for going to Mass is to receive Christ in the Eucharist. Teach them that this is a special intimacy – a personal relationship with Jesus beyond compare. Don’t assume your children understand just because they have received their First Communion.
• Tie your rituals and prayers at home to the Eucharist (for example, during grace before meals thank God for giving us the Bread of Eternal Life as well as the food before you).

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