Even though your child wants more independence during these years, it is your obligation to keep him firmly rooted in the norms and expectations of the family. This is the first task that you have as a parent. In order to ensure that neither you nor your child bails out of the family during this time we offer the following guidelines.

Set Principled Expectations

No one said that parenting would be easy. But, your attitude towards this stage of childhood may make all the difference in how handle it. The culture today is trying to convince you that your child is now a ‘tween’ – a cute title meaning she is between childhood and the teenage years. The concept of ‘tweening’ is troublesome. Those who buy into the notion think that children in this age should have the rights of someone older and the responsibilities of someone younger. As an example, a ‘tween’ girl should be allowed to wear makeup, dress like an 18 year old and text message friends at the same time that she is exempt from taking care of her material goods or acting responsibly when texting. Parents are urged to follow principled expectations for themselves and their children. These would include :

1. Keep the end in mind during these years; you are not raising a child (or a tween) but an adult.
2. Expect to be consistent in your behavior even when your child’s behavior will be inconsistent.
3. Commit to “love the sinner, detest the sin.” (In parenting that means love your child and correct the behavior).
4. Recognize, support and affirm your child’s God-given dignity. No matter what happens, your child still has worth and goodness.
5. Be your child’s parent – not your child’s peer.

Establish Yourself as the “Go To” Person

We’ve mentioned that a child’s brain is about to undergo major changes. Just before this occurs, the child will want to listen to your advice and take it to heart. However, while the brain is actively being remodeled, they will want to shun your counsel and handle situations without your input. Thus, jump on this timely opportunity and establish yourself as a credible resource as soon as you can! Here’s how you can do so.

• Plan time with your child. Play with them. Invite them to help you with your work.
• Establish a special ritual with your child. This might be a special sign of affection that only you share or a coded phrase that means something meaningful (think of Tim the Toolman’s phrase of “how “bout those Bears?” which really meant “I love you”.)
• Share a hobby together. Whether it is fishing or bargain shopping – find something you both enjoy and then do it.
• Be a listener. If you want your child to talk later when the topic matter will be more difficult, you have to show her that you can listen now. Your child will know that you can listen if you can repeat her message back to her.
• Bless each other – pray together. This is the ultimate glue of your relationship. Take the time to put God in your relationship. (Remember, a three ply cord is not easily broken).
• Choose a saint for each other. Pick a saint who lived a life that both of you want to emulate. Ask that saint for intercessory assistance.

Preserve Family Time

As the children grow and spread their wings, your time to be family may suffer. Do whatever it takes to eat meals together, hold family meetings, enjoy family fun nights and preserve family rituals. Begin by

• Restating your expectations with your children
• Explaining the importance of family time
• Making it clear that, if a conflict arises, you are open for discussion
• Doing your best to make family time very meaningful and fun for all (it will be harder for your child to miss a family gathering if she thinks she will miss something important!)

Keep Your Marriage Healthy

The need for time away as a couple becomes more important as the kids grow older. The good news is that you might be able to squeeze out longer periods of time now than in the earlier parenting years. The most important things to remember about your couple time commitment are

• Focus on the two of you – resist making this a time to hash out family conflicts and situations. Focus on your love and your relationship
• Laugh together – the stresses of parenting are minimized by a good chuckle
• Re-engage in a sport, hobby or activity that you did before you had children
• Celebrate your anniversaries (first date, engagement, wedding day, when you purchased your first flat or home, etc.)
• Practice the rituals of your love (special walks, special hugs, visiting special places, special conversations…)